Finding Diana

An everyday woman's guide to figuring out what the hell happened to her life



Welcome to my world.  I am trying to figure out what became of me and I want to share this agonizing journey with the general public.

Please feel free to comment, but not to judge.  Ok, well we will all be judging, but just don't let me know about it.

Worry wart

"Relax, chill out". These words  make me nervous and anxious.  Who can possibly relax?  Apparently many people who are not me.  Its not that I don't want to relax, I would love to.  But I have a constant "to do" list going on in my head.  Its like the credits at the end of a movie that just keep rolling. How can I sit and enjoy my TV show when there are three loads of laundry to be folded?  How can I kick back when there are mounds of paperwork to go through, bills to pay and emails to answer?

During those rare occasions when I am able to put these thoughts aside, I fantasize about winning the lottery.  Then I figure out what I would do with the money.  Which in turn gets me anxious.  I figure out how much money it would take to pay off everything and it puts me into a cold sweat.  Then I think about how to share the money with siblings, and mom; which charities would get big donations and to make sure not to become ostentatious.  Soon, I argue with myself. Should I give the money to people I know who could use it?  But only anonomously.  Would that cause more problems?  Would it really be the right thing to do?  

OK, so I will never have to actually worry about that - especially because I rarely play the lottery.  Other times I think back to happy memories.  But then I get anxious that these good times have passed.  I will never get these days back.  I wish I could turn back the clock.  But that makes me feel old.  Then I get anxious about feeling old.  If I feel old now, what will I feel like in a few years?

Can you see how nuts I am?  I can't stop thinking these crazy things.  I think about how my kids will be when they grow up.  Then I worry about them and what the world will be like when they are adults.  Will they have happy relationships and good careers?  Will they want me to babysit excessively? What about all the jealousies between them?

OK, even writing this is making me feel anxious.  The whole point of this blog is to help me sort out what goes on in my head.  So, did this help me tonight?  I don't know, I'm worried about whether I'll have enough to say for my next entry.

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