Finding Diana

An everyday woman's guide to figuring out what the hell happened to her life



Welcome to my world.  I am trying to figure out what became of me and I want to share this agonizing journey with the general public.

Please feel free to comment, but not to judge.  Ok, well we will all be judging, but just don't let me know about it.

Girls just wanna have fun

What constitutes fun as we get older?  When we were younger it was running through a field or going to an amusement park or having a sleepover.  Now, when you really really think about it, what is fun for us to do?

This weekend I went to an all-ladies birthday party.  There was a lot of kareoke.  The birthday girl loves to sing.  I used to really like singing, but now, I am too embarassed to sing.  I have a horrible singing voice, but when I was at camp or with my friends in high school listening to Van Halen (dating myself much?) we would unconsciencously belt it out.  Now, I wouldn't dare hum along to the alphabet song.  The fun has left singing for me.  Why?  I don't know.  Maybe because my kids often remind me that I have a terrible voice and forbid me to sing in front of their friends.  Or perhaps I just don't enjoy it like I used to.

So what then is fun?  Hanging out with friends is fun, that feeling of sharing and acceptance.  But there is no activity associated with it.  I am envious of people who have something they are passionate about.  Like people who go with friends to surf or to hike or to baseball card shows. I don't have anything like this.  The closest I ever came was a book club.  I love to read, but that is too broad a hobby.  It would be more interesting if I had a group of friends who did jujitsu and then we all went out to dinner afterward. 

Not likely, since I never had any hobbies.  I tired some.  I tried scrapbooking, but all I had in the end were scraps.  I have to aptitude for arts and crafts.  I ended up having my pictures glued with stray dog hairs protruding.  I tried yoga.  I found it somewhat degrading to be told to assume the positions of animals.  I especially did not like sitting in rows and then being asked to bend over.  There is no way I was going to stick my tush in someone else's space.  Too humiliating. 

For a while I went to the gym.  That was good, but once I got a full time job, I can't manage to find the time.  Plus, it was one of those things where I was always at the bottom of the pack; I would never be the one training for a half marathon.  I would just barely be able to catch my breath.

The things I like doing are analyzing things and coming up with possible answers.   But I finished business school where we did this in every class and now I do this a lot at work.  It is less fun when your great answer has to fit into a political framework that requires compromise and frustration.  That is how life is. 

Even this very blog has had its issues.  While it is interesting and fun to write, there is also the unrelenting internal pressure to keep it up.  Also, where am I going with it?  Am I going to publish it?  Write a book?  Or just keep writing because it's cheaper than therapy.  I'm not sure.  I guess as long as its still fun, I'll keep doing it.

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