Finding Diana

An everyday woman's guide to figuring out what the hell happened to her life



Welcome to my world.  I am trying to figure out what became of me and I want to share this agonizing journey with the general public.

Please feel free to comment, but not to judge.  Ok, well we will all be judging, but just don't let me know about it.

Am I Missing Something?

I have strange mixed feelings about missing two reunions within the past 2 weeks.  My 25th year high school reunion was last weekend.  I really wanted to go, but it wasn't possible.  So through the magical world of FB, I was able to see the pictures.  At first, since no one was identified, I thought that I am loosing my memory and that people must have changed so much that I didn't recognize anyone.

That would have been nice, but instead I realized that I didn't know most of the people because I didn't know most of the people.  Having gone to a school with over 600 kids in the grade, I realize that no one knew everyone.  But for me, having gone to a different junior high than almost everyone else and not being popular (I know it's hard to believe) I thought back to my high school years and realized I kept to myself because I was under-confident and over-nervous.  

I thought everyone else was much better, smarter, prettier and more confident.  Of course I know that's not true.  But I think I was very uncomfortable because I didn't know anyone going into high school.  

I was also concerned that going to the reunion would consist of an evening of judging and comparisons.  "Hmmm.... that one is still thin, but she has an ugly husband who doesn't have the income to make up for it"  "That one over there is fat and bald.  She looked much better back in the day"  " I remember that guy as being such a freak, and now he owns Google"  "That one was such a bitch, but she looks like she has lead a hard life.  Plus she has wrinkles."

Maybe it's better for my class that I didn't go.

The other reunion was from my first job.  It was at the Government Accountability Office, a congressional agency who audits other government offices.  This office had about 100 people and I was there for seven years.  I wish I could have gone to say hi and see my old colleagues.  I am among the youngest in that group, so you can imagine how much I wanted to go.  

I guess all this looking back makes me sad.  I still have that residue feeling of not quite fitting in.  I wish I had the insight and confidence to have put aside my insecurities and open up in high school.  I wish I was friends with some of the happy looking people in the pics.  

But then again, do I?  Isn't it all just my self imposed impressions of people.  Maybe it was good that I wasn't friends with some of them because we had nothing in common or would not have gotten along.  Maybe if I had been more self confident, I would have taken some poor risks and not have ended up any better.

Who knows?  All I know now is that I am very grateful for the friends I have now.  They are of my own choosing.  I am at the point where I really don't care about school yard politics or social slights.  I can barely handle four kids, a husband, dog and a full time job.  Why would I want to be bothered with people whom I didn't enjoy?

So in the end, I still have mixed feelings, but also a sense of being comfortable enough to rejoice in my great friendships.

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